A good one...

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

The worst headache

The doctor said, "Jack, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jack was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Jack laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!", the tailor said.

Jack tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.

As Jack admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Jack thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Jack and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Jack was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Jack tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Jack walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Jack thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Jack laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Ever wonder why athletes...

...and others in that business can't have regular jobs?

Priceless examples:

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all de kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she's too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

My sentiments, exactly...

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Speaking of Sven and Olie...

Sven And Olie


Sven and Olie were vacationing and attended their first fair. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel.

"Oh, Olie," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von."

Olie, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me."

"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat ride."

Olie couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Olie had to admit after the ride that it was kind of fun. After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster.

"Oh Olie," says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat."

"Oh, I don't tink so." says Olie. "Dat looks very dangerous to me."

"Vell," says Sven. "You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat roller coaster."

Again Olie couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on the roller coaster. Olie had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so bad. After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump.

"Oofdah!" exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Olie. Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it."

Oh, I don't tink so," says Olie. "Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is vare I draw da line."

"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go up on dat tower and yump off vit me."

"Ya, I give you a good reason," says Olie. "I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by yimminy, I'm not going to leave it da same vay.

I like a good joke...

...and even some not so good jokes! I have a good sense of humor, I think.

I've decided to post some jokes that I have come across over the years. I hope you like at least a few of them. :P Being of Polish descent, from the largest Polish heritage area in the nation (at least at one time it was), I have had to endure many a Polish joke over the years. Some of them are p-r-e-t-t-y bad! This one, not so much! :P (most of the jokes I heard growing up, the Poles were replaced with Minnesotans (Sven and Olie)!

---------------

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Pole replied, "I know the guy."